Before we get down to business, let’s all give RM Franks a hand for dropping by yesterday to grace us with his signature combination of overzealous profanity and veiled homosexuality. Always a treat. If we’re lucky he might come back to preview another division, and to drop more pop culture references that make even Simmons think, “Wow…this guy watches too many movies.”
But moving on…how about that face up there? That’s a face that inspires confidence, no? That’s the kind of face that can make a fan base forget a dreadful 1-15 season, is it not?
Yeah, you’re right…probably not. Let’s preview the NFL’s doormats, the St. Louis Rams.
Key Additions: There’s two problems with this section for the Rams. First of all, when you’re as bad as the Rams, every new player is a key addition. There is no one out there that can make this team worse. They could trot Basil Marceux out there at the wide receiver spot, and the coaches would probably be impressed with his energy level. They were that bad. So, I was going to go through the roster and list every new player on the Rams as a key addition, which would have undoubtedly resulted in uproarious laughter from both of our readers. Unfortunately, this plan hit a snag when I realized I had absolutely no idea who was on the Rams last year, thus making it nearly impossible to pick out the new additions. I didn’t make a point to watch much of the Rams 1-15 masterpiece of a season, so aside from a few of their “stars”, I’m pretty unfamiliar with their roster.
All of this is to say…Sam Bradford. Sam Bradford is the key addition.
Key Losses: Again, when you’re coming off a 1-15 season, it’s hard to consider any losses from that team “key”. Unless that player was totally responsible for the 1 win, or is named Steven Jackson, he’s probably expendable.
(By the way, it was pointed out to me by Cardinals superfan Nedward Schneebly that I missed a couple key additions in the last preview. That is absolutely true, and I will likely continue to overlook key additions and losses in the future. My method for these consists of trying to remember the key additions and losses off the top of my head, and then if that fails, briefly looking at the roster. I’m not what you would call a research-intensive blogger. If you would like to complain about any oversights, feel free to do so in the comments. I know you won’t.)
Why They Will Suck:
Recognize these gentlemen? On your right is Jason Smith, last year’s second overall pick. On your left is Chris Long, the second overall pick the previous year. Both went to the Rams. Both have, shockingly, been underwhelming at best. The 3 years prior to that, the Rams drafted players in the first round who have since been essentially given away. Their last remotely successful first round pick was Steven Jackson in 2004. There is a clear pattern here…top draft picks do not make a habit of succeeding in St. Louis. So, naturally, the Rams figured they would put the future of the franchise (and a whooole bunch of cash) on the injured shoulders of a guy who was considered the top talent in this draft class by absolutely no one. Genius!
Best Name on the Roster: Some very strong competitors (word to rookie TE Michael Hoomanawanui), but I’ve got to give it to C.J. Ah You from Rancho Cucamonga, CA. That’s a name that offers endless wordplay potential, and the city that Ice Cube relocated to in Next Friday. Good enough for me!
Celebrity Fan: Howie Long…I guess? Rush Limbaugh tried to buy them. So there’s that. I don’t know, man. It’s the Rams. They don’t have actual celebrity fans, and I’m sure as hell not going to come up with something clever just for their sake. So, we’re going with Howie Long.
Offseason Controversy: Again, the Rams insignificance makes this kind of tough. If Danny Amendola got liquored up and drove around with a car full of underaged, transgender hookers opening fire on pedestrians, people in St. Louis would be like, “Well, did the Cards win?” As far as I can tell, the only thing the Rams did that anyone cared about all offseason was draft Chuckles up there instead of noted sea lion enthusiast Ndamukong Suh.
On one hand, almost every talent evaluator considered Suh to be the best player available in this year’s draft. On the other hand, that sea lion is looking mighty unimpressed with the big defensive tackle.
The Rams went with the sea lion on this one.
Random Stuff That May Well Not Interest You: Blowing by this section for the Rams. There’s nothing about this team that interests even me, and I’m so easily amused that I devoted a section of my preview to funny names.
Correcting Stupid Quotes From Training Camp:
Coach Steve Spagnuolo on Jason Smith’s struggles: “I don’t think there’s any concern there. He played well there over on the right side about four or five games in the middle of the season last year so hopefully he can get back in that groove.”
Coach Steve Spagnuolo on Jason Smith’s struggles: “I don’t think there’s any concern there. He played well there over on the right side about four or five games in the middle of the season last year. All he has to do now to justify his draft position and salary is play four times as many good games on the much more demanding left side. Why would I possibly be concerned?”
ESPN’s Mike Sando on Sam Bradford’s Preseason debut: “Bradford said his shoulder felt fine afterward. More evidence the shoulder was fine: In the locker room, veteran starter A.J. Feeley repeatedly slapped Bradford on the shoulder to congratulate him on his first NFL action.”
I’m not even going to cleverly re-word that to make it funny. That is one of the most downright ridiculous things I have EVER read in relation to a sports injury. Sam Bradford just left an NFL Football field, where he played a game of full contact NFL Football, during which he was repeatedly tackled by NFL Football players. Tackled so many times, in fact, that literally the entire premise of Sando’s story is Sam Bradford being tackled too much due to a lack of protection. But we all know that any old shoulder can take a 300 lb lineman slamming it into the ground. What the real medical experts want to know is how it holds up to being slapped repeatedly in a congratulatory manner. This is how we can truly deduce the health of a shoulder.
Can you imagine if the shoulder didn’t hold up after the congratulatory slap from AJ Feeley? That would be very St. Louis Rams of it.
Vegas Over/Under Line: 5
TM Williamson Prediction: Under. Under under under under. This is a LOCK, people. I’m serious. Bet your house, your car, you wife, your children, and your pets on this. This team won one game last year and their only notable addition was a rookie QB. Now, that’s not to say that Sam Bradford isn’t going to help this team. He will. But look at Detroit last year. Their major upgrade was a rookie QB as well, and most agreed that they developed nicely over the year and started heading in the right direction. Last year was a relative success for the Detroit Lions. They won 2 games. And that’s what it’s going to be like for the Rams this year. They aren’t going to win 5 games. They’ll be lucky to win 3. But they’ll have players like Bradford, like James Laurinitis, like Donnie Avery, that will show some really good flashes and will give this team some hope moving forward. And maybe, just maybe, someday people will pick the over on 5 wins.
Tags: Brett Farve, NFL Previews, sam bradford, St. Louis Rams, Steven jackson, this post has nothing to do with him but our number one hit source right now is people googling the wrong spelling of brett favre, TM Williamson
Thanks a lot, I bet my house on the under, and me and my family are homeless. You don’t know anything do you.